Journal 2: Terrified to Try To Trust the Government

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Photo Caption: It’s Jasmine season <3

This was originally written about my fear of having to trust the government, these fears haven’t passed even though this day has.

Despite the fact that the conflict of yesterday was resolved I have been hard to motivate today. This is somewhat compounded by the fact that I can’t seem to go one night without intense stressful lucid dreams that leave me exhausted.

I’ve had a lot of people voice that they are jealous of me for the lifestyle I live. I suppose I can understand that to an extent especially now. My life is happy, I support myself and am surrounded by people who support me.

It feels as though my subconcious is trying to remind me I still have something to lose or rather that there’s still unfinished business when it comes from moving on from my past. I came to Mexico under the wrong circumstances and I can’t ignore that even if I love my life here.

Forced to trust the government

And to be clear I do have a possible solution to my legal troubles but it takes trusting the government. As someone who has virtually never held trust in the government, I’m straight up terrified to pursue the option I do have. Governments are known to act against their own laws an policies before, what makes me think I can trust them on this?

In reality this solution which I’ll keep private for now is my best option. It’s legal, no corruption needed I literally just have to jump through governmental hoops. But doing that I feel exposed. Vulnerable.

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*Photo Caption: My aloe plant this morning

But I know I cannot go on like this forever. It will just make me sick as I know all to well from experience. So I’ll have to do the brave thing and jump through all of the hoops.

Hopefully in writing this I can somewhat leave these feelings behind for a little while. Ever the busy freelancer, I have shit to do today putting it simply.

I did make a post about the dream issue and the responses were mixed and plentiful. I didn’t realize so many people were experiencing similar things right now. Turns out crazy dreams both good and bad are happening a lot right now, some citing a spiritual awakening.
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*Photo Caption: My poinsetta plant known as a buena noche here in Mexico. It was a Chrismas present and it’s still growing and happy.

And I’m a skeptic at best when it comes to the spiritual stuff but the solutions I got in regards to the dream thing are worth pursing. Things like looking into shamanic dreams, lucid dreaming and something called soul retrieval. Even if these things have no spiritual effect, I do think there is power in learning to have more control over dreams because they are really just the voice of the subconscious.

Macey Tomlin once told me the spiritual world is where traumas lie and I think that makes more sense to me than any of the other things about the spiritual world I’ve heard. Everything else seemed so vague and unrealistic. But it would make sense that spirits are really just our traumas coming back to haunt us, so to speak.

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*Photo Caption: Me and Te Quiero, the only cat I’d give up half my seat for.

Anyway as always there is work to be done. Every step of this process of recovering from trauma has been unexpected, difficult. In a lot of ways it reminds me of going carnivore, I had to deal with a lot of unexpected difficult things. It wasn’t an overnight solution or even a quick one. It was hard, took a lot of time, research and resources.

This was originally posted at my PeakD account, here’s the link.

For the journal post before this one, click here.

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