HBO’s The Anarchists is coming, and Im not ready.

So what happens when you overshare your deepest traumas and later deepest triumphs in front of a camera for 6 years of your life?

Well it ends up on HBO of course. 

Well, not of course. When I started filming with Todd Schramke and Kim Kylland I had no idea where this film would go. For a long time we (me and other friends included in the film) speculated if it would even be finished.  It was such a massive story, with so many intense fine details and it seemed like the story was ever developing, which it is even to this day. Where do you start? And more importantly, where does it it end?

I’ve known for a few months now but they officially announced the release dates for this mammoth series at the end of June this year.  The Anarchists as its now called will be released on HBO starting this Sunday, July 10th, 2022 at 10 eastern time or for those of us in the heart of Mexico still, 9pm central. 

To say I have mixed feelings is an understatement.

On one hand I feel extremely proud to have shared my story, now in such a widespread format.  It will help bring awareness to the backwards ways of the state, considering I am still a fugitive for a drug that is now medically legal in the state where I was arrested.  It also brings awareness to the conflicting beauty of the area known as Acapulco Bay.  It sheds light on my glow up process after I lost pretty much everything but my best friends and my own life after the murder that shook Acapulco in 2019. 

On the other hand its left me feeling vulnerable and exposed.  I am still very much in a delicate legal status when this film is released.  I am struggling to find a lawyer who can represent me because the state which arrested me stopped doing court for 2.5 years due to COVID despite the fact that zoom court hearings existed even back when I was arrested like 8 years ago. People have been sitting in that same jail I did, for years without representation or trial. So for that reason, despite having raised a little money for a retainer, it’s simply not enough. 

My hope is that this not only brings awareness to the things I mentioned above but that it brings a legal miracle of sorts.  I am actively looking for a lawyer in either Mexico or Ohio to help me solve this problem, which is really my only remaining big life problem, so I can continue my life unfettered. 

Perhaps the most ironic part of all of this for me, anyway, is that my charges are cannabis related and today I celebrate being one month cannabis free, with no real desire to continue smoking again.  I think for me cannabis served its purpose when I needed it but especially due to the addition of the circus arts in my life, I simply no longer need it as a means to reduce stress and anxiety.  In fact for me, since quitting, one of the most unintended side effects is that my anxiety has fallen off a cliff so to speak.  Its still there, but no more panic attacks for the most part. 

Its worth being transparent that I didn’t quit cannabis just to quit, it was actually as an experiment to try and support my pancreas heart as I want to get to a point where I can enjoy and digest more foods. I find myself only able to eat a small number of things, when most of my life I was able to digest most things without discomfort.  I indended on doing a 90 day trial of this, to return to cannabis if I want, but the longer time goes on, the more I feel I simply don’t miss it.  I definately don’t miss spending the money on it each month. 

I am nervous somewhat of the social implications as I have not been able to bring myself to share this with my circus family.  They see me as a typical (albeit slightly crazy) gringa who takes classes with them trying to learn Spanish while also learning something fun at the same time, which is largely the truth these days. But I do have a past, some of it quite intense and a lot of it at least a little embarrassing.  Like how do you say “Guys, btw, Im going to be on HBO, oh and by the way, Im not here legally either. That’s why I can’t go see my family, I’ll end up in jail”. If any of you stumble upon this post, just know I wanted to say something but couldn’t figure out how. 

Anyway, that’s what I have for now. Let’s see this thing unfolds. And if you see me disappear from social media, just know things probably went badly and that I could be in jail somewhere needing your help.