Episode 4: Living without the Law Opinions and Perspectives

Ok, so like where do I even start with Episode 4. I suppose the Facebook live videos, to explain why I went live.  While I did message Lisa Freeman immediately after the murder, I didn’t call her and I know this because I couldn’t call anyone on my phone. You can see a bit in the Facebook live video that I have another phone in my hand. That phone was my phone, which had a broken microphone making it so I couldn’t call anyone.  For that reason I was on Henza’s phone, and because he had different contacts than me the only thing I could think to do was go live. 

Its also worth mentioning I was outside when the shots were fired and by the time I was calling for help, the shots were done. The only call was that Facebook live video until I managed to meet a friend. 

Imagine having a nice phone but not being able to call for help because it was a Sony Xperia known for the microphone breaking within a year of owning it, which is exactly what happened. Up to that point that was the nicest phone I had ever owned and I babied it and despite that, the microphone still failed due to a software issue that was commonly reported with my model that I had. I remember being so pissed in the moment because when I needed it for what it was for, it just wasn’t an option.  Needless to say I won’t and haven’t owned a Sony again. 

After dropping Henza off I went to go see a close friend who was staying in a hotel. This friend was a former roommate of ours up there on the mountain, maybe the best one we had other than maybe Henza and another friend that probably would prefer not be named all considered. He tried to take me up to his room for privacy but security wouldn’t let him. They made us go to the bar, where I openly sobbed definately bringing down the beach bar vibe they were clearly going for. I’m not sure Judy remembers this from the trauma that occurred that day but it was there that I used his phone to call her and tell her what happened.  She asked me if I was sure he was dead, I told her yes and apologized. It was a whole mess. No one wants to tell the mother of their partner, that their partner was just shot in front of them. 

Seeing Judy and Nana was tough, especially to relive those days. I can’t really imagine what they were thinking or going through beyond what they shared.  It was literally their worst nightmare, and let’s face it, mine too, come true. My heart hurts for them both having to relieve all of this stuff not just during those interviews but also while watching the show themselves.  Regardless of the relationship that John and I had, both Nana and Judy tried to be very good to me during that relationship and in the time after and I won’t forget that. 

Moving the body was an experience I will never forget. Its something I don’t wish on anyone, even those who would consider me enemy.  I don’t personally have enemies myself, just people I want in my life and people I don’t. Those I don’t want around me I wish healing upon, although I want that healing to happen far away from me in most cases.

Seeing some of the things I said after the murder I won’t lie, made me cringe. These things specifically are like when I said “Im trying to be more like Shane.” The reality was I was trying to cling onto what I knew because I couldn’t imagine a life without him.  With the ways Henza and I were somewhat shunned by the local community for being a liability, these feelings were heightened as I was feeling extremely alone and attacked by people who I had hoped would support me.   It makes me sad to think he was the only one I could trust at that time because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from things like reconnecting with my family and friends from my life before, I have many people I can trust. I think we were somewhat trauma bonded together because of circumstance.  Very much us against the world.  

At one point I said “he taught me to stand up for myself” but what I’ve learned is he taught me to push good people away instead of learning to communicate properly with them.  98 percent of the people from my former life that I ejected from my life during that relationship simply didn’t deserve it. Most of them wanted to see me happy and they could tell I simply wasn’t OK.  The number of people I LOVE that have told me they mourned my death because they thought I died, breaks my heart.  They didn’t deserve that.  But, I didn’t really even start to unravel that until a few weeks after the murder when Thad Russell asked me if I thought I might have a touch of Stockholm syndrome from that relationship.  

Speaking of Thaddeus, doing that interview with him was one of the most healing things I experienced in the days after the murder. Thad, at least for me, was extremely comforting to be around despite the fact that we just met.  It was one of those introductions where I just knew he would be an important part of my life. What you see in the episode is me describing the murder itself but anyone who has listened to that interview heard 3 hours of content talking about my whole life, not just that horrible day.  It felt good to talk about times I went through before and how they might relate to what I experienced up there on that mountain.

As far as what happened on that mountain and what caused it, I’ve more or less given up thinking about it.  I know what I was personally involved with (and what I wasn’t involved with for that matter) and as far as the rest of it is concerned, I don’t know but the end result for me is the same.  The murder happened, Henza still to this day has a bullet in his chest for just being at our house while visiting friends and I’ll never forget having to move a freshly murdered body. I lost everything I owned in the days after while the cops ravaged my house, knowing that because I am here illegally I would not be able to fight to get my things back. 

For me this episode made me the most emotional and anyone watching the series will know that at about halfway through the episode, my real identity is revealed, by myself sobbing on camera about it.  Reliving the murder and the days after was hard, but I’m more or less all cried out about that topic. It was also the most emotional I got during the whole filming session we did last fall which was literally 2 days of 9 hours each of filming with food breaks and pee breaks here and there. I knew that bit was coming, but I can’t help but feel very exposed having that name out there finally which I’ve been trying to keep under wraps for the last 6 and a half years. 

The tears flowed more at the sound of my fathers voice, which I also knew to expect but not in this episode. The reality is I miss my Dad so much I can’t even look at the photos and videos sent to me by my sister when she camps with him without crying a little. I was always somewhat of a Daddy’s girl so the past 7 years or so apart (save for 1 week when he visited) have been extremely hard. 

I want to add a bit of a note about the split-up of my parents and my Dad leaving.  My good friend asked me about that and I realize now it makes my Dad look like he just up and left me there and gave up.  Nah, my dad got pissed and left for a short time and returned to try and fight for me legally pretty fast. My Mom was working for the Hells Angels gang at the time selling drugs and they were in control of the government in that area so my Dad was repeatedly stonewalled. Despite that he kept fighting for me.

At a point my Mom straight up took off with me and went into hiding.  Im not sure exactly how long that was for but I have a distinct memory of my dad knocking on the door, with a bicycle in hand for me and my mom literally ran and hid out of both fear and anger.  He was only there for me tho and I remember him spending hours playing with me that day.  

After that he continued to fight for me but the state favored my hot mess of a mom over him despite the fact that he had a solid/stable place to stay and a job he’d had for years.  He got custody of me when I was 8 and my mom realized she was too deep into both selling drugs and addiction.  Within a month of that she was arrested once again and that’s what sent her on the run for about 7 years of my life, which I explain a bit below. 

To me, he and my sister are the star of the show because while their screen time roles may be smaller, they are the two people who have had some of the biggest impact on my life since I was born.  My sister is my best friend and my Dad and I are now very close again despite the fact that I cut him out of my life for 5 years because of that relationship.  

My Mom is a big part of why I ended up in the extreme side of Agorism/Anarchy whatever you want to call it. What isn’t mentioned is she was literally actively on the run for almost 7 years of my childhood. She’d pop in and out of my life during those days. I distinctly remember driving around with her and her partner, to watch her literally duck out of sight at the sight of police.  So its not really a surprise that I ended up on the run as well albeit not for the same exact crimes as her. Reliving her death was not fun, but a reminder of where life in the fast lane ends. She was 42 when she died.  

What also isn’t mentioned about my Mom is that she managed to get off the run and was off the run for the last few years she was alive.  She paid a good lawyer (now dead) a few thousand dollars and he got all charges dropped without her having to step foot into court let alone a jail.  Its my hope I can get some sort of miracle like this for myself.  Being on the run sucks. 

I’d like to touch on the police fight talked about in the series.  The snarky side of me wants to say they never pinned me to the ground as shown in the images.  They got ahold of me but I spent about 10 minutes literally bouncing off of other human beings.  When one tried to grab hold of my bag, I literally bit his arm to make him let it go. I kicked, I punched and I fought for my life.  When I finally ran out of strength they started asking those questions.  It wasn’t until tourist police showed up and translated from me to them “You stole everything I owned, what else do you want from me?” That they looked at each other and waved me away.  Moments later I ended up with my friend Doug, who I was going to meet to attend my first temezcal ceremony. 

And finally, many I know are critical because this series “makes anarchy look bad”.  The reality is in this world, the more you try to aggressively stick to your ideals, the harder life becomes.  This series does an incredible job of showing what life was really like the 360 or so days give or take a few of the rest of the year as it existed in that community.  And while that community doesn’t represent anarchy as a whole, it does show just how bad things can go.