I’ll admit it, I’ve been kind of moody lately.
Hard to motivate on some days and super motivated on others. Conflicted because deep down things are changing for me and I can’t really do anything to stop it. The scariest part is, I’m not sure I want stop the change but I also don’t like an uncertain future.
Truth is I’m still pretty angry and upset about the murder.
I’m also at this weird point where I’m kind of tired of being pissed. Tired of remembering what all was lost cause it wasn’t just one life, for me it was technically more than a dozen as I lost my dogs and my chickens too in the process. Not only that it was also the loss of everything John and I had worked for over three years. I’m finally ready to start making new memories but I don’t even know what that looks like.
I’ve been feeling restless despite the fact that I’ve been out and about plenty and seen plenty of good friends lately. Leaving Acapulco sucked but the freedom I experience where I am now makes it all worth it. All this due to the fact that my future isn’t really that clear to me and I don’t know how to deal with that. I can’t even say things look bad for me but really none of this is what I expected.
Much of this likely has to do with loneliness.
I spent nearly every day of my relationship with John in his presence and now I spend much of my time alone. Part of me really misses having someone to spend all my time with, part of my really likes being alone with only myself to worry about. I go back and forth between being optimistic and pessimistic on this stuff....sometimes by the hour.
The other night I went to bed pretty fucking early mostly just because I felt exhausted, physically and emotionally despite not having been super physically active or emotional that day. I woke up early yesterday, hours before sunrise. It was raining but I’ve been putting off going out for exercise for more than a week so I made it happen.
I got up and honestly my plan was to go for a run.
I decided to “challenge” myself and started running uphill basically up a mountainside. That didn’t last, but I did continue hiking up for quite a ways. Sometimes I’d stop and look at the view or check out the best route up or even try and determine if I wanted to go further. It wasn’t long before the top became the plan and it was all a matter of just navigating the hillside and the properties scattered along it to get there.
There’s something therapeutic about the uphill climb during a hike.
I repeatedly hiked the mountain I lived on in Acapulco from top to bottom, all the way from the coast even a few times (sometimes out of necessity during the days when I was seriously broke as fuck). Anyone who had visited my house there knows how much of a trek that is and while it did occasionally really suck while I was doing it, I’m glad I have those memories.
Just as glad as I am that I went out that morning despite the mud and the rain. Realistically probably was a bit dangerous to climb uphill in some of the spots I did while it was muddy but I had virtually no mishaps and didn’t even see people until I was on my way down, about 8. I got my views, exhausted myself a little and thought a lot about my life. It was honestly exactly what I needed and I didn’t realize it until I was there.
While I was at the top I stopped and sat for a few minutes squatted down in the brush. I caught my breath and took a few minutes to meditate. I’d taken a few dabs to start the day before making the hike but I didn’t truly feel high until I was up there meditating and during the walk down which I found interesting. I experienced a similar phenomonenon today when I took a hike, although it was a much shorter one.
Whatever it was that did it, I feel better.
I came to the conclusion that I’ll figure shit out as I go, like I always do. Just need to remember there will always be downs with the ups in life. Sometimes life change is inevitable, maybe it’s worth just embracing it instead of fighting it. What I will say is while I miss Acapulco, I kind of prefer the mountain hike up to where I went if for no other reason than lack of tropical bugs, heat and humidity.