Pretty much everything in my life changed five months ago when the murder happened. The list of what is the same is much shorter than what has changed: carnivore diet, love for cannabis, agorist lifestyle, my cat Satoshi. I went from living a fairly public life where I shared everything that happened as it happened to one spent largely in hiding. At this point, my anonymity is more for personal comfort and less for personal safety.
I started seeing a therapist and she made a good point about the fact that I can choose what I share. I somewhat miss how I used to just share everything in a constant stream, as it occurred. There was something beautiful about having recorded my life for the last three years on a nearly daily basis. At the same time the fact that most people don’t know my location is somewhat comforting in a few different regards. I do my best to record everything privately by writing and just making lists of events in a notebook.
In fact there is so much that’s new about my life that I haven’t shared it’s kind of crazy. So many sunset photos, adventures, gorgeous city shots that I’ve just withheld. There aren’t a lot of Americans where I’m at and I kind of like it that way. It makes thinking of what to post a lot more difficult which has made being consistent trickier. Combine that with freelance working and I’m just not as active of a blogger as I used to be. Beyond that writing about my life and reflecting on the changes is still hard, to this day.
The interesting thing is in some ways I feel like I’m living more now than I was before. Now my responsibilities are only my own and there’s a sort of comfort in that. I live by my own schedule, in a pretty cool place and I’ve spent my time interacting with some pretty interesting people I’ve just had to keep all to myself out of necessity.
It’s funny how one event that took less than a minute completely changed the pattern of my life. In some ways I miss certain things about my old life, in other ways I look forward to the future I’ve been working to build for myself. This is the first time in my life I’ve really called the shots. Before John, I was heavily schooled and living off the government thanks to government grants for college. So this is realistically my first go at being truly independent. Its been rough considering I didn’t necessarily ask for a tragic end (or any for that matter, regardless of how difficult he was) to my relationship with John, but I’ve done what I can to thrive in spite of it.
If there’s one thing I know about John, he’d be pissed if I stopped living my life, if I just let depression and anxiety take over. So I do what I can to live my life by own standards, albeit a bit more cautiously than I did before. For those wondering, things are getting much better for me, its just a matter of staying aware and make sure that I stay true to myself and what I want.