Finding Love After Loss
When John Galton was murdered, I felt truly alone for the first time in my life. It was mostly terrifying with some thrilling aspects that kept me barely motivated enough to keep going. Before his death he was the only person on this Earth who truly understood what it is to be me, because he came here illegally with me facing the same crimes as me in the same financial situation. He was my rock. And when he was gone I felt abandoned and honestly angry, with both him and myself.
I wondered how I could move on with life. Even my closest friends who were directly effected by the murder were not in the same delicate situation as I was and it made me sadder. I was painfully aware of what I had lost. While my life with John was extremely difficult, I didn’t want it to end and certainly not in that way. I remember talking to my friends about how I’d never find anyone like him again, and I was right.
When a tragedy occurs, we can really have one of two responses.
Allow it to swallow and depress us or chose to be happy in spite of it. With my tragedy, I knew it was going to take some time for me to decompress, work through what I’ve been through and to determine what I wanted out of life with this fresh slate I was forcefully given. But long term, I was determined to be happy if not for me but for John, who honestly struggled with happiness his entire life.
For months I mourned the loss of John Galton and along with him the life we built together including our dogs because I had everything stolen from me. When he died I determined I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want codependancy either. So I spent a lot of time determining what exactly I wanted while I worked on adjusting to my new life alone, just in case I couldn’t find what I was searching for.
It wasn’t easy.
It was an ugly process getting through all of that but I can say I’m finally to a point where I feel like I can breathe again. I still have some legal issues to iron out and I could be doing better financially but I’m happy and that’s a lot more than I can say about a year ago, which is when the death threats towards John and I first started.
Therapy was huge, it helped me consider the idea of trusting new people (starting with the therapist) and also helped with redefining certain concepts for me.
My paranoia became vigilance (paranoia is only a thing when there’s no threat, I have had plenty of threats to deal with) and my heart began to open. I knew I wanted to be happy still, I just wasn’t there yet because I was still in some ways attached to my old life. My life until that point was rooted in survival.
That all changed in the forest on a hike one day.
That hike was me getting myself out of my house despite craving total isolation, it was getting me to hang out with some local people to practice Spanish and get some fresh mountain air.
As we climbed up the mountain in a group we found a path at a view spot where we stopped to catch our breath. Around the corner came 2 people, an extremely tall man dressed in all black and a short chubby tattooed woman. He stared at me with a burning intensity and the two joined our group in a hike upwards.
It was honestly pretty primal, running in a group along the mountainside together. I wondered who he was and when he started speaking English to me I decided to open up a little. He was clearly fascinated and I was scared but open minded. When we left the forest, he asked to hang out more but I decided to go home alone, partially to process what happened.
It wasn’t long before this man became extremely important to me.
For the sake of the story and keeping his identity (somewhat) private I’ll call him Cupid, partially for his archery and partially for how we honestly managed to capture each other. I was scared but mostly because I didn’t know how he’d respond when he learned the truth of what I’d been through.
He responded to my life with questions, which told me he was considering everything and assuming nothing.
Those questions unraveled me in certain ways and made me open up to him despite the fact that at that time he was a total stranger. We got to know each other, and then we fell in love.
I’ve mostly kept this to myself because well….I’ve been too busy living it to share it with all of you.
Since meeting him a lot of good and weird stuff has happened, stuff that has made me question my previous assumption of “absolutely no afterlife”. If there is a spirit world, I’m convinced John is haunting me so to speak, guiding me towards happiness. If not him, than it’s me determined to not repeat old mistakes.
Life with John was hard and it was mostly because of our uneven relationship dynamic.
I went into things with John not really knowing what I wanted out of life let alone another person and it made things extremely hard on us both. When he died, I determined if I decided to love again it’d be with all my heart and not without thought beforehand. I’m proud of myself that I stuck to my word cause when it comes to relationship anxiety, there is virtually none with this relationship.
It would seem the months I spent largely isolated (save for key long distance friends) had done me some good because when it came time to open my heart, I was able to without too much anxiety. For the first time I was able to communicate clearly what I wanted and how I intended to get it. I was able to answer all his questions honestly and it has served the both of us. .
When I opened up and decided to love again, I basically received the love I craved.
For those wondering, yes, this means I have a boyfriend now. I wasn’t interested in fucking around and wasting time like many people do with dating apps. I told myself when the murder happen I likely couldn’t trust an American or Canadian and I was right, as he’s a Mexican. My plan was to basically determine what I wanted and to wait for something that fit the description to enter my life. It did sooner than I expected honestly.
It’s not even a year from what is likely the most intense event of my life and for the first time honestly ever, I am truly happy and content with things. The unrest in the relationship with John and I dissolved and made space for something better in many ways. I still think a lot about what I’ve been through but now mostly in a way to consider how far I’ve come since.
So there you have it guys.
I’ve had a lot of friends reach out in concern because in many ways I’ve been quiet, but I’ve been isolating myself for good reason here and have been just too busy wrapped up in living my life to worry about sharing as much of it as I used to. So here’s to living life to it’s fullest and a making the choice for happiness despite total loss and devastation less than a year ago.